A Personal Truth 

“I asked for help. Again. And again, it turned into conflict. Not because I was asking too much but because he didn’t see what I was already carrying.”

This post is for every mother who’s ever felt invisible and emotionally depleted. It’s a letter to men, partners, and anyone who’s ever underestimated the invisible labor of motherhood. It’s also a validation for women navigating postpartum struggles, emotional disconnect, and the mental load that quietly destroys intimacy.

What is the Invisible Load?

Mothers manage 71% of household mental load tasks, while fathers manage only 29%.

What is the mental load you ask? It’s the behind the scene tasks that make the production happen. It’s scheduling appointments, remembering birthdays and thoughts behind the gifts, managing emotions and parenting during the day, scheduling activities and play dates, cleaning, know what to cook, grocery shopping for that meal x3, vacations, future planning, coordinating with grandparents for visitations and on top of that, trying to have a social life and maintain friendships.  

Imagine a computer with dozens of tabs open. That is the inner landscape of a woman’s brain, typically. Add on the role motherhood and it’s like having multiple browsers opened, each with 10 tabs. Meanwhile men operate like a filing cabinet: one drawer at a time. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray, is a great book that highlights these differences in thought processes between men and women. 

The Emotional Toll Troll of Postpartum & Lack of Emotional Support 

It’s not a coincidence that the US has a very high postpartum rate of 1 in 7 women within the first year of giving birth. That is nearly 600,000 mothers annually. Up to 50% of mothers with postpartum go undiagnosed. This means that the emotional burden often remains invisible, as is the rest of the labor. It seems like women generations before us didn’t speak about their challenges out loud.

Postpartum rage has been a new popular term. It is exactly how it sounds. RAGE. It is intense anger, irritability and emotional outbursts that can coexist with depression or independently. Now, does postpartum rage just happen without a source? Could it be caused by lack of sleep, hormonal shifts and lack of emotional and physical support from your partner? Yes and Yes.

Relationship dynamics & Emotional Disconnect

The purpose of this blog post isn’t to shame men or glorify women. It’s not an attack on men. I hope to provide some perspective to men as well as validate women and mothers. Invisible labor doesn’t just pertain to mothers, it exists in all kinds of relationships and partnerships.

I would think that people enter relationships with hopes of it being a partnership, with equality and fairness. Like a a sports team of two people tackling life problems, together. But as we get comfortable, and the honeymoon phase is over, the intimacy and effort gets lost over time. Those bi weekly date nights drop to weekly, then drops to monthly, then drops to 1-3 months.

Maybe life gets busy, someone got a promotion, or maybe there’s an emotional disconnect somewhere. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot to water and care for the “love fern”.

The Before and the After 

Before my pregnancy, I had a lot of pride and confidence in who I am. I was 100% financially independent (except for my student loans) with a doctoral career, owned a stick shift sports car, owned my house, had a dog and a cat. I worked hard to build this beautiful life I had.

Hobbies? I had a ton of things that would make me feel alive. Seeking adventures in nature and in music was my therapy. Going to concerts alone and solo backpacking trips with my dog and cat, felt normal and fulfilling to me. I didn’t feel lonely and I didn’t feel out of place. I was comfortable with myself, by myself.

Being in solitude was a gift for me, I never shied away from it and I was never afraid of being alone. I was more afraid of letting someone in, falling in love, and that person hurting me tainting the memories I shared with them if we did go to a concert together. 

After I got pregnant, the only thing I knew I would need was emotional support, visibility and partnership. I wasn’t ready for the abandonment, disconnection and lack of intimacy I experienced. There has been a narrative that women chose their husband poorly and that’s why it ends in divorce. I want to share my opinion on this narrative.

I don’t think women choose poorly, some may as we are all humans. I don’t think I chose poorly at all. As cautious as I was, I made sure this man was worth my time and energy. I think where it falls apart is you don’t know how a person will react and handle situations until that situation occurs.

For example, I thought Will would be able to be my solid rock of support in my 4th trimester because that’s what he demonstrated while we were dating. As a reminder, both partners had full night’s rest and went on weekly dates to stay connected and intimate pre-baby. Turns out the more emotional I was in my 4th trimester, the more emotional he was. This create one of the most toxic environments I’ve ever stepped foot in.

Cultural & Generational Layers 

As a Vietnamese American woman, I grew up seldomly asking for help. I believed I had to do it all. That wasn’t just cultural but it was epigenetic trauma. Control became my coping mechanism in order to survive.

Breaking this generational trauma looks like asking for help when you are running on empty. People tend to confuse being asked to help with criticism, that they are not good enough or are enough. Nothing can be further from the truth. If your partner is asking for help, it’s a plea for support, for shared responsibility, for emotional safety. What’s the harm in staying open minded instead of taking it personally?

Expressing wants and desires are important in a relationship. Unless you have some telepathic skills, no one can read your mind. Communication and willingness to actively listen will minimize conflict. It can actually be very connecting. Gender roles do not apply here. 

A Message to Men– How to Support Mothers emotionally

Women crave initiative. The magic words? “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” We don’t want to nag, make lists or mother our partners. We want presence, leadership, dependability and emotional attunement. 

Presence was what I craved. I wanted Will to be present, to know what was going on, to plan and remember as well so that the burden didn’t solely fall on me. Nothing is sexier to me than a man that just automatically does dishes when he sees it needs to be done. Or a man that comes home and says to the kids “let’s go to the park and give mommy a break”. 

Even strong, assertive women want to be led sometimes. I would argue that these types of women are turned on by a man who takes initiative and wants to lead. Leadership is about stepping up and doing the obvious, not dominance.

A sign of a good leader is being able to adapt and allow others to lead. I am certain that even if your partner is a boss babe kind of woman, she would still like for you to take the lead every now and again. Not only is it sexy and a huge turn on, but it will allow her the space to take a mental break. 

 A Call to Mothers

“If you’re carrying the invisible load alone, I see you. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re exhausted and that’s valid.”

You deserve to take up space and use your voice to tell your partner how you want to be loved. Some of you may be thinking “well if he loves me, he would know how to love me”. If only it were that easy, but it’s not. Set your pride and ego down and reach out to communicate. 

I invite you to share your stories. How have you successfully communicated with your partner once you have a baby? Has it been difficult still? What comes up when you reflect on it? What is healing? What worked and what didn’t?