If there is one universal story in modern womanhood, you may have heard it or even lived it: 

We fall in love with potential, but we stay stuck in patterns.

Potential feels hopeful and you want to believe in it. Patterns feel painful because it’s evidence, data, real tangible experiences repeating over and over.

Most of us are caught somewhere between the two. It seems like we are trying to build relationships with men who could be great while ignoring the repeated behaviors showing us they aren’t ready, aren’t willing, or aren’t capable. 

This is not entirely women’s fault. From my own experience, men are very good at showing up as their best selves in the beginning. It feels like they are master mentalists, telling you what you want to hear, doing what you want them to do, presenting a completely different version of themselves. 

This push and pull, patterns vs. potential, has quietly become one of the biggest reasons relationships today feel harder than ever. This could be the reason why so many women are leaving relationships that no longer serve them because we conclude we are not satisfied with potential. 

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Why Women Fall for Potential First

Women are natural visionaries in relationships. We want to see the best in people and believe in people. 

We see possibilities.
We imagine growth.
We believe in the version of someone they could become.

Honestly, it could be a projection of ourselves. We see in possibility, growth and versions of us we are constantly shedding and growing out of. I think the innate need to fix and nurture also comes out in mothering our partners and husbands. Especially if our partners act childish. 

You might be telling yourself things like:

• “He’s not there yet, but he’s trying.”
  
• “If he works on himself, we could be perfect.”
  
• “I see the man he could be.”
  
• “He has so much good in him — he just needs direction.”
  

None of this is wrong. Believing in someone is not the issue. I stand on the side that society should be more kind and we should believe in each other, encouraging growth and allowing grace. The issue is that:

Potential requires imagination and looking into the future.
Patterns require observation and staying in the present.

And too often, women get stuck living in imagination while ignoring the reality happening in front of them. 

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Patterns Are the Hard Truth We Don’t Want to See

Here’s honesty:

Patterns are who someone truly is right now, as they are.
Potential is who they might be someday.

When you date someone based on potential, you are dating a future projection of your own wants and needs… not the current person, full flesh and blood standing right in front of you.

Some of my real life examples of pattern vs. potential:

Pattern: Doesn’t plan or initiate any dates after marriage
Potential: “He’ll want to go on dates more once he settles into his new job.”

Pattern: Not interested in hearing my thoughts and emotions
Potential: “He’ll see how he’s hurting me on day and want to be emotionally mature enough to listen without defending himself”

Pattern: Providing below bare minimum effort.
Potential: “He’ll do the things he used to do when life calms down.”

Pattern: Never takes accountability, constantly shifting blame to me and blame to everyone.
Potential: “He’ll eventually see my worth and that I’m not to blame for all his misfortunes in life.”

One of these is easier to believe and stomach, the other one is heart breaking and hard to face and accept. Maybe because it’s a projection of ourselves therefore it is also an acceptance of ourselves we can’t face. 

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Why This Matters More Now Than Ever

Women today are more self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and growth-oriented than any generation before. We no longer want to shoulder all that our mothers and our grandmothers did. We are exhausted and searching for change. 

But here’s the issue: 

Men grow slower emotionally, and women grow faster and the gap keeps widening.

This isn’t a dig at men or blaming them. It is known that boys in elementary school mature slower than girls. Some can argue that this is due to society’s pressure on women having to care for others, nurture, do and be everything for everyone. 

• Women want emotional maturity- the capability to listen to another person without feeling attacked and responding in defense.
  
• Men want comfort- to feel like they are accepted and can be vulnerable and share their feelings.
  
• Women want growth- turning shortcomings into opportunities for change.
  
• Men want stability without change- it’s more comfortable to stay the same. Generally not searching for opportunities for change.
  
• Women want partnership- they don’t want to take care of everything and everyone anymore. Most women are also working women now and still having to shoulder everything is not only challenging but it is also draining. Check out my blog on the Modern Motherhood for a more in depth analysis.  

• Men want to avoid pressure- they don’t want to be told what to do, when to do it but if left to their own devices, they don’t know what to do. It’s a double edged sword.
  

Not all men

It’s never ALL MEN, but enough that it has become a pattern across society. It is no coincidence that women are initiating divorces now (roughly 70%). Not only initiating divorce, but the rates of marriage are also declining. The question I ask men is “If times are changing, what is your contribution?” 

Please refer to my other blog on trad wife vs SAHW. Women are no longer fitting the traditional mold that the patriarchy wants us to fit into. Women who transition to stay at home to raise kids and maintain the household, still do not want to do ALL of it. 

And because women can see potential so clearly, they often meet a man at his starting point and believe they can love him into his future self. It’s society’s fault for asking us since we were children “will you love this man 5 years from now, 10 years from now?”

Keeping in mind the perspective that everyone grows and changes over time, constantly working on themselves, yes, I do see myself loving this man 5 years from now, 20 years from now. What I learned is that my thinking is flawed and dependent on the fact of whether that person wants to grow over time and constantly working on themselves. 

Not all men, indeed. 

But relationships don’t grow like that anymore.
People only change when they choose to, not when we carry them. Not when we want them to or ask them to. That’s the hardest lesson I keep having to relearn after my relationships. Change is hard in general so it has to come from that person or else it won’t happen. 

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Why Women Turn a Blind Eye to Patterns

This is where it gets deep and very uncomfortable for me to talk about. (Projection) 

Women ignore patterns because of many reasons. We are conditioned to nurture. We are conditioned by society to do it all because that’s “normal”. We are told constantly we are too much, want too much, are too much. 

We learn to:

• Give, give and give chances 
• Be understanding
• Be patient
• Don’t give up
• See the good in people, in situations
• Believe people can change
• Stay even when it hurts
• Do whatever we can to support our family
• Sacrifice ourselves
  

It’s the X chromosome. We can’t escape it.

Add in loneliness, hope, and the dream of building a family, and suddenly potential feels safer than ending and starting over. We’ve already invested our time, our energy, ourselves in this one person we married, it feels like we are betraying ourselves when we think about leaving. 

The real question is, “are you betraying yourself by leaving? Or are you betraying yourself by staying?” 

Shrinking yourself,speaking up less, lowering your expectations, and settling are ways you betray yourself. When you betray ourselves, you may feel anger, resentment and injustice in which you may take out on our partners but really, it’s our mind, body and heart rejecting the betrayal. 

Let go of the notion that you made the mistake for being in a relationship or marriage that ended up not suiting you. I wrestled with this guilt and grief for along time. My inner voice would say “how could you let this happen?” “How did you not see this coming?” “You were so diligent, but it still ended up this way, it’s your fault.” 

I had to rewire my thoughts and repeatedly told myself that I made a decision based on the information I was provided. Let me explain… 

Tommy presented himself in a way that made me trust him and believe him. He told me things that at the time, logically made sense. He is highly educated and has a good career, who am I to believe otherwise? He would make time to spend with me and was eager to go on all of my adventures without skipping a beat. 

I felt like if I didn’t believe it then I was self sabotaging. So I believed it. Gathering all the data and the evidence to make an intentional and conscious decision to marry him and have a family with him. I can say with certainty that I was fully transparent and authentic to myself as I moved through our relationship. That means it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t make a “bad decision”. 

Tommy’s patterns appeared more obvious when life and the marriage was tested and put under pressure. And ladies, THAT is what we’re supposed to pay attention to. 

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Closing advice

Here’s what I wish someone had told me years ago:

Potential will make you hopeful and possibly naive.
Patterns will make you honest and wise.

Honesty isn’t always pretty, soft, gentle or kind. It is rarely romantic and warm. It doesn’t come with butterflies. Actually, anxiety comes with butterflies so be discerning. But honesty is what saves you and grounds you in what’s real, what matters in the present and the future.

Tommy didn’t “change.” He simply ran out of space and time to hide the patterns he always had. He couldn’t keep up with who he wanted to be and started showing me who he really is. Life, stress, responsibility, pressure, all force the truth to reveal itself. Whether you or your partner likes it or not. This can apply to any gender, any orientation. 

And this?
This is where so many women lose themselves because they are at a crossroads. Do I take the road that leads to freedom, happiness, joy? Or do I stay and try to work the dough and make something out of it? 

Because when patterns show up, we panic…
We bargain with ourselves.
We explain to our partners.
We mother our partners.
We overcompensate by doing more of the emotional work.

We try to fix what was never ours to fix. That work is not yours to complete. Everyone has the responsibility to put in the work on themselves and by relation, work on the marriage and relationship. It doesn’t work if only one person is doing it. It doesn’t work if one person is doing the work for two people. That’s what results in radical feminism. 

That’s why Part 2 exists.

The  real question isn’t, “Why did I fall for potential?” (We already answered that.)

The real question is: What do you do once the patterns appear?

How do you protect your heart? Rebuild your standards?
Stop mistaking chaos for chemistry?
Choose a man by his patterns, not your projections?
Break every cycle that has ever betrayed you?

This is what Part 2 will dive into — clearly, honestly, and provide tools and strategies on how to move forward or even how to start over.

Stay tuned.
This is where everything changes. This is where your mind can start the shift and we can start healing and evolving.