There’s a kind of pain and betrayal that is hard to put into words. It feels heavier than a traditional breakup, it is not as clean cut and black and white. It’s gray. 

It’s not just betrayal. It’s not just abuse. It’s not a singular moment or event that breaks you. It’s the slow erosion of something that used to feel like home. Something you made your home, shattered into pieces beneath your feet. 

It’s waking up next to someone at 2 am snoring and realizing that even though nothing is technically “wrong,” nothing feels right anymore either. Imagine this added layer to the bigger layer of postpartum and never finding your way back to the path it once was. 

And that’s the hardest part, when it’s bad, but not bad enough to want to leave. 

The Hidden Gray Area

We don’t talk enough about the quiet yet emotionally loud middle. The space between breaking and staying.

When you love someone, when they’re a good person, when you see them grow into a wonderful father, when you’ve built a life together… the decision to stay or go isn’t black and white. It’s a thousand shades of gray but not in the sexy way, but in a dying way.

He’s not cruel. But he’s distant and feels unreachable.
You fight all the time over sharing your feelings and expressing your needs while you’re in survival mode making sure another human being survives. Days once filled with laughter, now fills with silence and built up resentment and pian.
You’re roommates in logistics, not love or friendship.

And you start wondering:

Am I ungrateful for wanting more?
Is “not bad” supposed to be enough? 

Is this all in life? 

That gray area can feel like emotional wet sand, standing still, but slowly sinking as you’re hit with cold waves one after the other, wearing you down.

Why We Stay…

We stay because we remember the good and the feelings associated with those memories.
Because we’ve built a beautiful family, too beautiful and sacred to throw away.
Because starting over sounds harder than accepting what is and staying stuck.

Sometimes we stay because we’re afraid of hurting others. For me it’s hurting Alaric. I’ve always wanted him to have a safe and emotionally stable home, one I didn’t have as a child. Sure I had both parents but both parents made the living environment so toxic that it was probably better for them and for us to separate. 

I don’t support the notion of “staying together for the kids” . I think that’s naive and selfish. I do support working together in order to stay healthy for the kids. That’s where I think the gray gets even more gray. 

 Sometimes we stay because hope is stubborn.
Because we tell ourselves, “This is only temporary, people change, maybe next month it’ll be better.”

Sometimes we stay because it’s a trauma response in women to want to fix and focus on the potential. Maybe you married your partner because he had a lot of potential. Potential isn’t real, it’s a projection. Shifting your mind to focus on the patterns is significantly harder and a bigger pill to swallow. Having a therapist help you navigate this will be useful. 

And sometimes we stay because we’ve lost the version of ourselves who believed we deserved more.

Staying feels safe, familiar and self-sacrificing all at once.

The Cost of Staying Too Long

But staying too long comes with quiet outward losses and loud inward losses.

You stop trusting your own feelings. Self betrayal can present itself in many forms. It can come in forms of physical illness, loss of sleep and just internal conflict leading to heightened anxiety.
You minimize your pain because it doesn’t look dramatic enough.
You stop asking for or sharing what you need, because disappointment feels easier than rejection.

And somewhere in the middle of keeping peace, you lose your own. Like an empty shell putting on a face for your kids, your friends, your coworkers, but deep down that fire that once was your passion and drive, slowly gets dimmer and dimmer. 

For me, it wasn’t one explosive moment that broke me, it was the repeated rejection whenever I reached out for connection. The emotional distance that stretched wider each week filled with stupid fights further causing the rift.  Eventually it felt like I married a completely different person and I was a completely different person when we started. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus playing out in our house. The way I’d look at him and wonder if he even saw me anymore. 

That’s when I realized: not all heartbreak comes from leaving. Sometimes it comes from staying and feeling left in a relationship.

When “Not Bad Enough” Still Hurts

Emotional loneliness is still loneliness.
A lack of tenderness is still absence and abandonment.
A love without warmth still leaves you cold and desolate.

You don’t need physical bruises or financial abuse to justify your pain. You don’t need someone else’s permission to feel unfulfilled, unworthy, unseen and heard. 

Your feelings are reason enough, they’re real enough.

And even if you’re not ready to leave, the first step back to yourself is acceptance. 

A lesson I learned at this phase was reaching out to family and friends to fill that cup so I didn’t walk this path of my marriage, separation leading to divorce in true loneliness. People may not know what to say but they can certainly sit and listen and hold your hand. Ironically, this is the kind of silence that actually doesn’t feel alone but supportive. 

The Reality Is, You’re Not Alone

Here is a passage from Winnie the Pooh that always stayed with me illustrating the power and impact in presence. 

“Eeyore was silent for a moment. ‘Am I okay?’ he asked, eventually. ‘Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.’

“Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. ‘What are you doing?’

‘We’re sitting here with you,’ said Pooh, ‘because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.’

‘Oh,’ said Eeyore. ‘Oh.’

“And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

“Because Pooh and Piglet were There.”

(A.A. Milne, E.H. Shepard)

Your friends don’t know when you’re struggling if you don’t reach out. Do not deny them the honor to be there for you because my friends remind me all the time I am not a burden. It can actually be more insulting to them if you don’t reach out because good friends WANT to be there and support you. 

There’s no reason to go through this alone. You are strong but you do not have to be strong all the time. Lean on others, cry, hug, there’s power in experiencing life with other humans. 

If you know someone going through this, I can’t tell you how many times my friends randomly reach out with a virtual hand asking “how are you?”. It really shatters the ceiling on intimacy and support. Sometimes it’s easier for others to reach out because there’s less pressure and shame. 

Check out my blog on making friends as an adult woman. I outline some strategies to maintain adult friendships and connection. 

Finding Clarity Without Pressure

You don’t owe anyone a timeline. You don’t have to decide today. You don’t even have to have a plan, you can take things day by day because that’s your capability right now. 

For me, time provided more clarity. Decentering Harold, recentering myself and pouring the energy I used to revive our marriage, I poured it into me. I started prioritizing myself more and little by little, I got up from the ground and took baby steps forward on a dirt road. Unpaved. Uncharted. 

I’ve spent a lot of time in reflection, quieting the noise around me, and really paying attention to the world, the universe. I believe that your brain is a powerful tool in reframing your thoughts and emotions. You may not feel it at times, but you do have a choice in everything. You have the choice to let go of the pain and anger. 

You can forgive your partner more times than they apologize for. This isn’t self sacrificing and it’s not that you aren’t owed an apology. But if they’re not going to willingly give it, is it worth chasing? I chose to attain peace within myself, choosing myself. In order to do that, I had to forgive Harold for my postpartum experience and his abandonment of me in my time of need while I recovered. That is the ultimate action of self care. 

Intuition vs. Anxiety

I shifted my thoughts into action. Instead of ruminating and staying in my emotions for long, I turned it into creativity, doing, planning, executing, occupying my mind with more important things. This can be perceived as distraction, but I like to see it as neuroplasticity. Honoring the feelings I have when they come up but then letting them float away as I focus on what’s physical, tangible and real. That could be focusing on my blog, planning my next adventure with Alaric, coming up with business ideas, checking in on friends, or work itself. 

Clarity often comes in whispers and small signs, not ultimatums and threats. It comes when you get quiet enough to hear your truth again, beneath the noise of fear, guilt, and “shoulds.” Intuition is soft, quiet and patient. Anxiety is loud, rushing, and impulsive. 

Whether you stay or go, may you choose your peace over perfection and societal expectation.
May you trust that your heart and mind align, already knowing what’s right. It’s just waiting for you to take that step. 

Because sometimes the bravest thing you can do… is stop pretending that “not bad” means “good enough.”

Comment below or send an e-mail about your experience and what helped you make the decision. I think that there is power in sharing emotions and life experiences because we all have commonalities and not any one experience is singular. Chances are there is someone else in the world who experienced a very similar situation.