Mediation took place at his house, in his bedroom/home office. My skin was already crawling as soon as I stepped into his house having to greet his family. My body was fighting every urge to flee but my mind was in control. This is with practice, intention and purpose. I knew that I had to drive with my frontal lobe and not with my amygdala. 

Entering the Unknown: My Intention 

I didn’t know what to expect in mediation during divorce. I went in with one goal in mind and that was to speak about my son and act in the best interest of my son. I knew I had to do it in the most calm and collected manner, despite all the emotions that were online and active.  I felt like I stood my ground and stayed present in my truth. I did expect it to be transactional and emotionless which was how I prepared myself.  

What Matters Most

Finances? Can be discussed on a different day because quite frankly, I can make my own money. Asset distribution? Pause. We have our own premarital stuff. My focus was and always will be Alaric. I made that crystal clear to Cade and our mediator. 

Grieving a Dream, Not Just a Marriage 

I’ve been grieving a dream. My dream of having a healthy and happy family. I have so much fear for Alaric’s future. Anger is just an emotion I’m used to feeling everyday but I now understand that anger is a protective emotion. It is an indicator that something does not align with my authentic self. 

I carry so much guilt and shame because I never wanted this for my child. I take marriage and marriage vows so seriously because of how I was raised and the culture I was raised in. If promises can be broken then what’s their value? Entering into my post-divorce emotional recovery. 

Putting Alaric First 

As I left the office to go downstairs and collect Alaric, I asked him if he was ready to go home. He told me “no”, he stated he wanted to play in perfect Vietnamese. With a gentle parenting during divorce mindset, I told Cade that I am okay with him staying at my in-laws a bit longer so he can play but that I would head out. 

I didn’t tell Alaric “it’s my day with you, and we have to go home because I am entitled to that time with you.” I set down my ego and allowed him his autonomy to stay and play. Maybe maturity is putting the desires of your child ahead of your own. 

Ego, Pride, and Parenting  

Ego and pride are a natural part of the human experience but I’ve come to realize that when ego is in control, there’s a good chance my son will suffer. It is easier to make decisions based on what would make me happy in the moment but then would I be the best mom if I did that? I don’t believe that mothers need to be a martyr and continue to self sacrifice in our patriarchal world. 

I do believe in choosing the higher road for the sake of your child. If you think about it, 5 years from now, would it really matter that he stayed to play for an extra 30 minutes? No, but will he understand that mom was very flexible about that kind of arrangement to honor his autonomy to stay? I hope so. 

Holding Space for Innocence 

When we met up about an hour later, I hid my pain/anger but showed him my sadness. I let him see me cry and I explained why I was crying and the pain I was experiencing. Then I would wipe my tears, take a few deep breaths, and ask him what he wanted for dinner. That’s how I held space for his innocence. I didn’t say anything about his dad, I just labeled my emotions, worked through them and then moved on. 

Restoring Myself, One Breath at a Time

The shift that happened- I am the architect of my own restoration, even while trembling. I am learning that I am capable of anything so long that I am in my prefrontal cortex and not in my dorsal sympathetic system. The lioness imagery that describes motherhood rings true because I will do anything to protect Alaric from being in the crossfires of adult issues. I want to model that having emotions is okay and it’s important to honor those emotions and move through them instead of avoiding them. 

To the Mothers in the Middle: You’re Not Alone 

If you are not divorced, thinking about it, or grieving the marriage you thought you signed up for – I see you. Maybe now, more than ever, I am seeking comfort in others who have walked this path before or are going through the trenches. It’s hard to speak to close family and friends who’ve never experienced this life changing event. I am here to listen to your story. 

Tomorrow is a new day, a blank slate. But today, I survived and I showed up as best as I could.