Letting go of control feels paradoxical. We think it will make us feel unstable, but holding on too tightly often creates stress, anxiety, and mental exhaustion. During my divorce journey, releasing control became one of the most powerful emotional tools I’ve ever learned. I’ve also learned that the need to control is your nervous system’s way to find safety. There’s safety in the known, not in the unknown. Letting go of control requires trust and being grounded. 

Why We Want Control (Psychology Explained)

The need for control is a natural psychological mechanism because it helps us feel safe and predictable. When we can’t control outcomes, we feel insecure and on edge. This is tied to uncertainty intolerance, a trait linked to anxiety and stress responses. According to cognitive psychology research, people with high need for control are more likely to experience anxiety when faced with ambiguity.

But life is generally uncertain, especially in relationships, health, loss, and emotional transitions like divorce. We cannot control other people or their emotions. We cannot control the majority of the outcomes despite making the best decision we can at that moment. What if the goal isn’t to control the uncertainty, but learning to tolerate it?

Skills to Let Go of the Need to Control

1. Recognize What You Can vs. Cannot Control
A core principle in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is distinguishing between what’s in your control (your actions, language, boundaries) and what isn’t (other people’s choices, outcomes). Actively writing these two lists can lower emotional distress and increase psychological flexibility. Keeping a journal and reflecting at the end of the day or even during the day during a stressful time. It helps your brain to regulate and ground itself in the reality instead of thinking about the possible outcomes and the fears attached to that. 

2. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness teaches us to observe thoughts and feelings without trying to fix them. Instead of resisting, we learn to experience it. Research shows that mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity and decreases the tendency to “over-control” every outcome. This could be as simple as saying your feelings out loud. I am teaching Alaric how to do this. “Oh, I’m feeling very angry right now.” 

Another technique is giving life to your emotions. “Oh anger, please leave. You are not wanted here.” I think that the more you ignore or silence your emotions, the more they will fester and come out in inappropriate ways. Inside Out, the Disney movie, is the perfect example of giving life to your emotions. 

3. Set Flexible Goals, Not Fixed Expectations
Expectations can feel like things set in stone and if life doesn’t go as planned, we feel hurt, disappointed or slighted somehow. Instead, set intentions. For example:

Goal: “I need this divorce process resolved by June.”
Intention: “I intend to practice patience and gentleness with myself through this process.”

Intentions are anchored in values, not timelines. Your intuition doesn’t rush and you will feel safe. Anxiety and uncertainty will force you to rush and make decisions even when the decision doesn’t feel good. Take a step back, breathe, and connect with yourself. Ask yourself “how does this make me feel?”

4. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort
Very much like exposure therapy, exposure to uncertainty can build tolerance. I didn’t get to a zen “let it go” stage overnight. It’s been 6 months of waking up every day with the intention to let things go. This is similar to exposure therapy used for anxiety: slowly allowing your nervous system to sit with discomfort without reacting. 

Your brain learns, “I can survive not knowing.” I’m using this same approach to not explain myself anymore. I’m trying to tolerate being misunderstood and moving on without doubling down and defending myself. 

5. Self-Compassion Practices
Self-compassion isn’t selfish, it’s scientifically linked to resilience. When we respond to our mistakes or uncertainties with kindness rather than judgment, we buffer emotional pain and reduce negative self-talk. This is what I want to model for Alaric. Responding to his mistakes with kindness and “oh try again” or “accidents happen, it’s okay, let’s clean up”. 

Real Examples of Letting go of Control in Daily Life

The Things I’ve Learned

Once I let go of expectations, I feel less disappointed when things don’t go the way I wanted. This is life, this is what I want to teach my son. What matters is how you approach things when they don’t go your way. Do you panic? Do you find a different solution? Do you breathe? 

You don’t have to stop caring. You just get to stop trying to control outcomes. I realized that controlling things takes a lot of energy and effort. Letting go allows you to use that energy elsewhere. I finally feel free and lighter.