Separation and divorce often come with a script preprogrammed into our minds. We already have a picture of what that looks like because it is so popular and is on the rise. 

There’s the traditional timeline, the traditional custody arrangement, the traditional expectations of who moves out and ASAP. For a long time, I felt the pressure to follow those rules even if they didn’t feel right. I wasn’t the one who initiated divorce so what did I really know about it? This was uncharted territory so it felt easier to just follow someone else’s blueprint and plan what thousands have used before me. 

Much like how parenthood has evolved and changed from generations before us, so has divorce and separation. What worked then, may not work now and that’s okay. Healthy even. I’ve always been one to go against the grain. The fish swam in a different direction, not following the rest of the school. 

The Path People Don’t Even Realize Exists 

Nesting itself is already considered non-traditional and relatively new. More people are doing it these days because let’s face it, living expenses continue to rise. More moms are becoming stay-at-home-moms. Co-nesting where both parents stay in the home at the same time, sharing space while transitioning out of a relationship is not really in the mainstream. 

For some it’s not even an option depending on your relationship with your soon to be ex partner.  It’s messy. It’s emotional. It’s countercultural. It can be confusing. And still… It’s what works for Alaric right now which means it’s worth finding a way to make it work. .

The truth and reality is: every family has the right to design their own system. I actually encourage families to design their own instead of blindly following tradition or what others have done. No matter what the internet says. 

Your marriage is what you want it to be and make it to be. The same should apply to separation and divorce. These are adult decisions that need to be made by adults without asking for permission from another. 

The Problem With Trying to Do It “Right”

When you’re navigating something as vulnerable and raw as separation, the pressure to choose the “correct” path can feel suffocating. I worry about my child, my finances, my stability, and the future. Let’s face it, the world is LOUD. The internet tells you what to do, how to do it, when to do it and adds another layer to an already complicated process. So much noise that sometimes your own voice gets lost because society is so much louder. 

Move out immediately.
Split 50/50.
No overnights together.
Separate spaces.
Gray doesn’t exist, everything has to be black and white.

What’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine.

It feels instantly like we’re going to war with each other. My brain couldn’t make sense of it because our love created the most amazing child in the world yet how can we go to war with each other 1 year after giving birth?  

The internet has a template for everything. But here’s the thing, templates are not organic. They’re generalities based on other people’s lives, not your life or reality. Even other people’s stories may not be real and accurate. Anything can be made up and thrown up on the internet. 

Why People Choose Non-Traditional Setups

Nesting and co-nesting exist for a reason. They aim to create stability for children, reduce financial strain, and give parents space to transition emotionally without blowing up their entire world overnight. Making rash decisions based on current strong emotions is never a good idea. 

Some families need a slow transition in order to prioritize a stable home base for their child. Others need financial time to rearrange life. Most simply need more compassion in the process.

None of that is wrong, it’s just different. Our generation is already breaking the mold of the generational traumas and reparenting in a different way. It only makes sense that people are looking for alternatives to separation and divorce that are as least disruptive to the child(ren) as possible. 

With that being said, if you find yourself in an abuse situation. This blog is not speaking to you with your situation in mind. Please seek safety for you and your children IMMEDIATELY. I will link some resources at the end.

Why I Choose a Non-Traditional Setup

My priority has always been and will always be Alaric. I want him to have a stable, safe and consistent home. Something I didn’t have growing up. 

He shouldn’t have to carry the weight of adult decisions, especially decisions about love that ended long before he could understand them.

 Yes, I said what I said. Love is a CHOICE. A blog for another day. 

I understood that my ego, my pride and my wounded inner child needed to take a back seat if I wanted to prioritize Alaric and his emotional well being. Is it easy? No. Do I want to nest with Kevin in MY home? Absolutely not. But setting aside my wants and needs, would Alaric benefit from still being able to see both his father and mother daily? Yes.  

Sharing space with someone who no longer respects me or the home I’ve built has been incredibly challenging. There are a lot of difficulties in this kind of set up and it is not for the faint of heart. But if you are committed to putting your child at the forefront of your decisions moving forward, you will find ways to make it work.

I believe that about marriage as well. If you and your partner are in the inbetween, decide to move forward with your child(ren) at the core of the discussions. What’s best for the kids is what’s best for each of you. 

The Hardest Part Isn’t the Setup

I’ve learned that the real struggle isn’t the logistics. It’s the permission. It’s untangling yourself from the idea that you need validation to do something unfamiliar. Once you give yourself permission, you walk the path with intention and groundedness. 

And I say this with understanding, but directly: the internet makes things worse.

When you’re constantly searching for examples, stories, and references, trying to find other people doing the same thing, it turns into anxiety. Anxiety built from your own fears and confusion. Confusion because you’re walking out of alignment and not in your truth. 

Once you are walking in your truth and letting your intuition lead, the road feels a lot smoother and calmer. It doesn’t make the road easier, but calmer. 

It’s Convincing Your Partner

This is something I’ve watched play out with Kevin. He wants to feel like we’re following a path that’s been proven, vetted, and done  by others. “This is what traditional divorce is. We have separate places and Alaric stays with each of us during ‘our’ time with him.”  He compares what we’re doing to Reddit threads or ChatGPT answers. He wants reassurance that he’s not messing up, that we’re not doing something too different.

As a reminder to my readers, Alaric, my son is just turned two. Parents of the “teachable twos” understand that consistency and repetition is key. To potty training, to boundaries, to learning new words, to new physical skills. It’s all part of their brain development and growth. 

From a professional stand point, shuffling a toddler between two homes multiple times a week will not positively contribute to his development. When things are calm, Kevin understands why nesting matters. During conflict, it’s easy for him to slip back into wanting the arrangement to end. 

The truth is… we are doing something different. I WANT to do something different. Kevin often tells me I’m different, which is true, and yet struggles when my choices reflect that difference.. Co-nesting is not good for our egos and our inner child who is in the healing process of divorce. 

And that’s okay, it’s allowed. It might even be the healthiest option for our family because it’s a healthy outcome for Alaric.

So why should strangers be allowed to dictate the blueprint? Why should someone else’s story be my story or your story? 

What Actually Matters in a Separation Setup

If you strip away all the noise, the advice, the opinions… you’re left with what truly matters:

• Emotional safety for everyone involved
  
• Consistency and stability for your child
  
• Respectful communication between parents
  
• Predictable routines and boundaries
  
• Flexibility to adjust as things change
  
• A setup that supports, not harms, your mental health
  

None of these require following a traditional structure. Researchers have shown that the traditional structures can be detrimental to children involved. Court often escalates conflict to a level that is hard to recover from. It can damage the very relationship you need to preserve in order to co-parent. 

There is so much to gain when separation is approached with kindness, respect and grace. 

You Are Allowed to Be the Blueprint

Families evolve.
Relationships evolve.
Marriages evolve.
Divorce can also evolve.

And sometimes the healthiest choice isn’t one you can find the internet, a place full of strangers. Strangers may not actually care about you, your child or your life. Why give the internet that much power over your LIFE decisions? 

Similarly to having a marital blueprint or a parenting blueprint that works for you and your spouse, separation and divorce operates in that same space. It does not have to match and it probably shouldn’t match your parents’ because evolution is changing. It’s picking up the good and healthy bricks from your house and using that to build the house that includes your partner and your children. 

You have the power to build a separation that prioritizes your child, your healing, and your reality. Whether you nest, co-nest, share a home temporarily, or make a plan no one you know has ever done before… it’s yours to create. You absolutely have that power and no one else needs to determine what your family’s path should look like. 

You don’t need permission from the internet. You don’t need to follow the foot steps of other people who have divorced. Everyone’s relationship is different. You only need the courage to say: “This works for us, and that’s enough.”

If you walk away with anything from this blog, let it be this: you are allowed to protect your child and redefine your family even if no one else understands it yet.